Self-diagnosed autistic people like me sometimes get accused of "just wanting to feel special". The truth is, though, that I feel less special post-identification than I ever have before. Pre-identification, I was quirky, edgy, gifted, tortured… there was something "extra" about me that wasn't like other people. The more I learn about autism and late-identified culture, the more I realize I'm actually pretty average.

To be honest? The loss of the specialness feels like kind of a defeat. Pre-identification, I might not have had my life together, but I felt special, exceptional, which kind of excused it in a way. Now, I still don't have my shit together as much as I'd like to, but there's no mystery to it, no romance. I used to be able to tell myself, "I might be messed up, but at least I'm not boring". Now I'm less messed up, but I do feel boring, especially when I imagine how others might see me now versus how I used to be.

Step 3 asks us to "make a decision to initiate a process of letting go" of pre-identification perceptions and "to cultivate openness to new perceptions of ourselves". I've been able to let go of a lot, and it's been good… but I find myself grieving my sense of specialness, outsiderness, un-figure-out-able-ness Has anyone here been through anything similar?

Share questions:

• Pre-identification, did you ever feel special because you were different? In what ways? 
• How do you view that specialness today? Do you still feel special in the same way, or not as much? 
• Do you think the sense of specialness might have been linked to other cultural ideas, for example outsiderness, quirkiness, talent, darkness, romance, creative suffering, intelligence, "not going with the crowd", or something else?
• There are so many kinds of autistic people. As you get more familiar with the community, has it been possible to start to differentiate yourself, identifying talents, interests, an aura, attitudes, values, or other attributes that stand out in the autistic context? 
• As you work on your self-esteem, has it been possible to come to value things about yourself that you're glad of for their own sake, outside of comparisons with other people? 
• Any tools, resources, or strategies to share?
• Anything else to add?