By an anonymous contributor

Step 2 has helped me to accept that "some perceptions of myself from my pre-identification years might not be accurate, and there might be other ways of thinking about myself I have not yet encountered". It's true. Knowing who I am has helped me with my sense of self and self-esteem. I've been able to let go of pre-identification conceptions. I have a better idea of what helps me or hinders me, and my life has become more predictable.

That said, the concept of autism itself has raised new questions for me due to how little humankind knows about the condition. For example, the little research that has occurred has shown us a wide range of traits associated with autism, but we also know that the way autism expresses itself is very individual. So now that I've acquired basic knowledge about autism, it's hard for me to imaging getting more insight about myself simply through more exposure to educational materials about the condition. I feel like what I need now are educational materials about me.

I still have so many questions. Am I actually intelligent? Do I actually have a talent for languages?  Will I actually be able to work if I find a job with accommodations? I have no idea. I feel like if I want the answers to these questions, I will have to commit to a scientific study of one, where I am the scientist and subject at the same time. That's an intimidating idea for multiple reasons, not least because of how many spoons it might take up.

Sometimes I get discouraged wondering what good my self-knowledge will do even if I ever manage to gain it. Insight into who I am might not help others figure out who they are since autistic traits are so unique to the individual. I might spend my whole life trying to decipher how my system works, but what will it amount to? What kind of legacy I will I leave? Will I have built anything external to myself, or will my accomplishments all have been internal and pass away with me?

Zooming back from these questions for a moment, one thing that continues to help me in my daily life is the 12 Step concept of manageability. After identification, my problems became more manageable. I know what caused them. I even know what to do about some of them.

On the other hand, some of these problems also became less solvable. I'll always be autistic, and there are certain things I'll never be able to do, at least not the way I pictured them in the past. What if self-knowledge is one of those things that I'll never be able to achieve the way I hoped? How do I come to terms with that?

Share questions:

• Do you ever feel impatient to know all there is to know about yourself?
• Do you ever fear you'll never learn as much about yourself as you want to or need to? 
• Do you ever feel sad that the effort you've put into understanding your autism might not be advancing society's larger knowledge about autism, or helping other autistic people?  
• Do you ever worry that spending so much time and energy figuring yourself out will leave you less able to create a legacy in life?  
• Might your thoughts on this topic be influenced by any autistic traits, for example, perfectionism/completionism, black and white thinking, difficulty switching gears or accepting changes? Other?  
• For members who have found at least a little peace around this topic, what does that peace come from for you? 
• Any tools, resources, or strategies that helped you with this topic? 
• Anything else to add?