Pre-identification, I had a host of explanations for my meltdowns, and they were all bad for my sense of self:

"I am too weak". "I am too angry". "I am unreasonable". "I have no self-control". "I can't handle things that are easy for other people". "I just need to try harder." "I just need to change my attitude". The physical and mental pain of melting down was made even worse by the impact on my sense of self.

Now that I know I'm autistic, I know that there are actual, concrete reasons for my meltdowns, most of which come from my outside environment rather than personal flaws on my part. Still, though, I continue to see myself poorly before, during, and after meltdowns:

"I'm bad at self-care". "I've failed to keep myself out of harm's way". "When, oh when, will I learn how to live in a way that's healthy for me?" and more.

Thinking about the basics of self-esteem has helped me in the wake of meltdowns. I remind myself that:

• Even if my sense of self includes shame and frustration over meltdowns, I am still a human whose life has intrinsic value. 
• I may not have full control over my sense of self, but that's not a prerequisite to feeling grounded in my right to live and seek greater comfort and health. 
• I may not ever be able to fully control my meltdowns or the environmental factors that cause them, but that's not a prerequisite to seeking self-acceptance, self-respect, and self-love.

Sometimes these affirmations feel real and attainable, sometimes theoretical or even imaginary. But I try to keep hold of the idea that as a human, I have a right to seek self-love and self-respect even when I'm not feeling it emotionally... like during and after a meltdown.

How about you? How do meltdowns affect your sense of self and self-esteem?

Share questions:

• How have meltdowns influenced how you see yourself, your personality, and your willpower? 
• How do meltdowns affect your self-esteem? Have meltdowns ever made you feel less worthy as a person? Less deserving of self-acceptance or self-respect? 
• Have you ever felt ashamed at not having full control of your behavior in response to your environment? What happened and what was it like? 
• To you, does your self-esteem depend on having full control of yourself and your environment?
• To you, could it be appropriate to include internalized ableism as a part of this conversation? How so, where might it fit in?
  
• Any tools, strategies, or resources to share? 
• Anything else to add?