My hair represents the intersection of two dynamics that defined my pre-identification years: needing to mask and not knowing what to project. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out what to get my hair to "say" about me. And even if I had known, I didn't have the spoons to do anything about it. I lived for years in hair purgatory: looking  back, my hair was one of the biggest visible pieces of evidence of my autism during my pre-identification years.

I've gone through hair evolutions. Short hair, buzzcut, shoulder-length, butt-length, platinum blonde, and even bald, shaved with a razor. Each time I made the decision to try something new, part of me hoped, and even believed, that it would lead me to my true self. Am I the girl with the pixie cut who's the life of the party? Am I a quasi-monk who others silently esteem from afar? No matter what look I tried, the answer was always no. I was just still me… but what did that mean? My self-image and self-esteem were a big blank, and my hair was a symptom of that.

Today, I'm sporting the lowest-possible-spoons look: Head and Shoulders once a day, brush it once or twice a day (mostly to prevent hair from getting all over the place, thus costing me spoons to clean the floor), never cutting it, never styling it. I bunch it up on the top of my head when my neck gets hot. At last, I feel like it's "my" hair, because the link between its appearance, my identity, and my day-to-day needs and capabilities is clear. That part of my self-image and self-esteem, at least, is now straightforward.

What about you? What's the relationship between your hair and your self-image? Self-esteem?

Share questions:

• What is your relationship with your hair? 
• Where does your hair fit into your self-image? Sense of self-esteem? 
• Has your relationship with your hair changed since you learned you are autistic? 
• Taking inspiration from our Steps, where does your hair fit into your personal values? Your self-care? Your relationships with other individuals and groups? 
• If you could change one thing about your relationship with your hair, what would it be? 
• Any tools, strategies, or resources to share? 
• Anything else to add?