My sense of self and self-esteem around sex have been out of control since before I can remember and have added so much unmanageability and fear to my life around performance, acceptance, and love.

I thought that learning I'm autistic might help me to untangle pre-identification perceptions of myself regarding sex, but starting on that path is incredibly daunting.

Step 3 is what I'm struggling with right now: making a decision to initiate a process of letting go of some of my perceptions of sex and my self-image. The conviction that it's my duty to be sexually attractive and wanted is such a core part of how I see self-worth that it blocks out my ability to think clearly. The idea of letting go of that feels like an existentially threatening issue: I can't even start to imagine who I'd be without it.

In fact, it's hard to start making a preliminary exploration of my sense of self and self-esteem around sex because the issue is so fraught and deep-rooted.

At least I can share with you that my sense of self and self-esteem around this issue is more or less totally warped.

I can't imagine any part of my life where I've received such intense and sustained social messaging as around sex, and the idea of taking that on leaves me reeling.

My individual needs and self-care around sex were disregarded by me long before I actually had sex. I took on the mental orientation that I need to perform, provide pleasure, and make other people feel good about their performance. If anything, I see my needs and self-care as a liability to be minimized however possible.

Similarly, I can't even start to imagine having personal values around sex. I'm still fully steeped in society's attitudes. Departing from those feels like a huge risk.

In terms of relationships with other individuals and communities, the way I think about and behave around sex is a deeply entrenched form of masking. Pressures around gender and sexuality are so intense in society that I suspect I'd be masking in similar ways around sex even if I wasn't autistic. But the fact that I am autistic makes the social dimension of sex even less manageable for me.

I'm fully committed to the Step 10 decision to align my life, relationships, and habits to what feels healthy, sustainable, and manageable for me. The particulars of that when it comes to sex feel very far away, though, and I'm so protective of this part of myself that I'm not sure I'm open yet to adjustments in my sense of self and self-esteem around this issue. I'm here hoping this meeting will help me find a new way to engage with the topic.

What about you? How does sex influence your sense of self and self-esteem?

Share questions:

• How does sex influence your sense of self and self-esteem? 
• How does sex relate to your individual needs and self-care? 
• To your personal values? 
• To your relationships with other individuals and groups?
  
• Does knowing you're autistic change anything about how sex intersects with your self-esteem and sense of self? Please describe.
  
• Any tools, resources, or strategies to share? Anything else to add?