I've been thinking a lot these days about how living in a social system based on hierarchy has influenced my sense of self, self-esteem, and behavior. Like many autistic people, I can have a hard time feeling involved with a hierarchy I'm near or supposed to be part of. Sometimes I can't tell when I'm supposed to be part of one and make a faux pas. The difficulty I have in participating in hierarchies makes me feel like an outsider, which can be a good thing if the group is unhealthy, but can also be lonely and keep me from opportunities I might have if I were part of it. On the occasion when I can recognize a hierarchy, my demand avoidance makes me reluctant or irritated at the idea of participating, even when it would be to my benefit. I tend to avoid organizations with complicated power structures for that reason.
At the same time, groups without a hierarchy can be difficult for me, too. They are more unpredictable and can feel more formless. But I find myself asking: does this group feel unpredictable to me because there is no hierarchy? Or because there is a hierarchy I'm not recognizing? Are some of the people here supposed to be more important than others? Are some people here fitting me into the hierarchy somewhere, and how can I ever find out where I fit and what that means, especially when I don't want to know? It's a recipe for confusion and self-doubt.
That's not even getting into the overarching hierarchies of our world: patriarchy, ableism, colonialism, racism, and any other "ism" with a superiority/supremacy narrative. I for sure know that I have, and in many ways still do, perpetuate these kinds of hierarchies, although I am starting to be more vocal about the ways they are wrong (lately, especially with ableism). Pushing back on -isms doesn't necessarily make things easier within some of the work, friend, and family groups I am part of. But it has been good for my self-image and self-esteem by helping me live my beliefs and have a clearer conscience.
For all of these reasons, I have a lot of trepidation about participating in hierarchy-based groups like sports teams, social clubs, the work environment, society generally, classes at school, and even my family and friend groups. It seems like there is some format I can't pick up on if it's unspoken, and, if it's spoken, something in me pushes back against. What about you? Does living in a hierarchical society influence your self-esteem or sense of self?
Share questions:
- What are some hierarchies present in your life? Please describe.
- What are some ways you participate in the hierarchies in your life?
- What are some ways in which these hierarchies influence your sense of self and self-esteem?
- Is it easy or hard for you to spot a hierarchy on a local level (office environment, school, social group, other?) What is that like?
- Are there any hierarchies you feel fully immersed in, in a good way? Any you feel alienated from? Rebellious against? Actively resisting?
- Does autism influence your experience of hierarchies? Of hierarchies and self-esteem? In what ways?
- Any tools, strategies, or resources that helped you?
- Anything else to add?
