Promise #3 says, "I can accept how things are while being able to practice nonviolent detachment from things or people that are not healthy for me."

This statement was confusing to me at first. Having just become identified, I was still in a place where nothing felt healthy to me. Was I supposed to detach from everything? And anyway, what with masking, dissociation, and chronically low spoons, wasn't I way too detached already? I wanted to be connecting, not detaching.

It wasn't long before I started to see detachment in a new light. Post-identification, I found myself thinking a lot about how to prove my autism to a certain friend. It was important to me that we connect around my true identity. But the more I thought about how to convince her, the more stressed and sad I became. At last, I realized that nothing would convince her. But how could I move forward without her believing me? I didn't want to leave our friendship behind or start treating her with coldness or anger. I felt I had nowhere else to go and couldn't afford to burn a bridge.

Then I remembered "nonviolent detachment" from Promise 3. Some 12 Step programs call it "detachment with love".  Nonviolent detachment means that I can accept someone as they are today without feeling pressured to like or contribute to whatever about them is bothering me. 

"Standing at a safe distance" is a metaphor that has helped me. For me, nonviolent detachment means standing at the distance needed to make a relationship manageable. If a person is important to me, I can stand far enough away to avoid harm, but close enough so that we can still connect on the things we do have in common. I can modify my distance closer or farther as time goes by, depending how life develops. Of course, if the person is actively trying to harm me or has harmed me in the past, the distance could be much greater and might no longer involve communication. Getting sufficient distance in those cases might take time and planning, and potentially asking for help from others.

When I am standing at a safe distance, nonviolent detachment gives me freedom: the freedom to choose how I interact with a person, freedom to develop a sense of self that doesn't depend on any one specific individual, freedom from my fear and anger towards them, freedom to use recovered time and energy to heal, and freedom to spend my spoons on things and people who really do fulfill my needs. For example, knowing I am accepted in AWG has made it easier for me to accept that my friend's attitudes about autism are not what I would like them to be. I accept her as she is, while standing at a distance at which her attitudes can no longer hurt me. I "take what I like and leave the rest." I find I can use nonviolent detachment with people, things, and even ideas. Life is starting to become safer and more manageable with nonviolent detachment.

Share questions:

• What does nonviolent detachment mean to you? 
• Have you ever used nonviolent detachment in your own life? What happened? 
• Is there anything about the idea of nonviolent detachment that makes you uncomfortable? Please say more. 
• Do you have any traits that make nonviolent detachment difficult, for example, black and white thinking, perfectionism, demand avoidance, holotropism (feeling merged with your environment, including with other people), concern with justice and fairness, other? 
• Has using nonviolent detachment affected your sense of self in any way? Self-esteem? 
• What is your idea of a "safe distance", metaphorically speaking, from someone else? 
• Has it ever been hard to get to a safe distance from someone? What happened?  
• Any tools, resources, or strategies that helped you? 
• Anything else to add?