My sense of self-worth tends to
go out the window as soon as anyone does or says something I don’t
agree with. It might be a friend, family member, or a stranger in
public or on the internet or TV, We could be directly interacting, or
I might just hear their remark in passing. Whatever the
circumstance, hearing or seeing something I disagree with puts me
into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode. I feel like I’m losing
myself in those moments.
I’ve
never quite figured out why this happens, but there are a host of
possibilities:
Maybe
it’s because my processing is different and I need time and energy
to figure out how to respond to things.
Maybe
it’s because my system generally tends to panic at anything
unexpected, including other people’s opinions about things.
Maybe
it’s because I’m so dependent on masking still that my system
goes into an inner conflict when the appeasement side of masking
collides with an opinion I can’t personally endorse.
Maybe
it’s because I have a hard time imagining why the other person
would think that way, and until I can grasp their motives, I’m
reluctant to respond.
Maybe
for some disagreements it’s because I simply need more information
or context before I can respond.
Maybe
it’s because I don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings
or confuse them by contradicting them (worrying that I’ll do to
them what they’ve just done to me!)
Maybe
it’s because I constantly contradict people even if I do agree with
them, and if I sense a real disagreement, I want to make sure what
I’m about to say isn’t just a reflex.
Maybe
it’s because I’m embarrassed for the other person for being
tactless if they blurt their opinion out without considering others’
feelings.
Maybe
it’s because disagreement is a complex interpersonal dynamic I’ve
never fully gotten my head around.
Maybe
it’s because I worry that if I show I disagree with someone, they
will get angry, punish me, leave my life, or another outcome that
might threaten my security.
Maybe
it’s because I worry that any response from me would continue our
interaction, which could potentially get overwhelming.
Maybe
it’s because my values (for example, sense of justice) are so
strong that I get overwhelmed in the moment, unable to respond to the
topic at hand because I’m so shocked someone could feel differently
than I do.
Maybe
it’s because my black and white thinking makes me want to simply
reject anyone who disagrees with me, and I’m too angry with them to
know what to say or do.
Maybe
it’s because I have trouble putting ideas into a hierarchy, and I
genuinely can’t gauge which of our opinions is more valid. I feel
panicked if called upon to respond in a disagreement because I don’t
have a strong opinion and am bewildered that they want one from me.
Maybe
it’s because I’m holotropic and feel like the other person is
part of me, so learning that they feel differently than I do is a
shock… or perhaps my holotropism makes me feel that their opinion
is also in some way my opinion, setting the entire concept of a
disagreement on its head and making me feel disoriented and alienated
from the fundamental assumptions about selfhood and disagreement I
was raised on.
Maybe
it’s all of the above, or something else!
Regardless
of the reason, I feel like I can’t be myself during disagreements,
that being my true self would be a source of threat to me. How about
you? Are you able to maintain a sense of self and self-esteem during
disagreements?
Share
questions:
- What is your sense of self like during disagreements,
whether in person or remotely (like hearing someone’s opinion on
TV)? How about your self-esteem?
- Do you ever fight, flight, freeze,
fawn, or mask during disagreements? What happens?
- How are you sense
of self and self-esteem after the immediate disagreement is over? Are
there lingering effects?
- Do you have any strategies for maintaining
sense of self/self-esteem during disagreements?
- How does knowing
about autism affect the way you think about your sense of self and
self-esteem during disagreements?
- Any tools, resources, or strategies
to share?
- Anything else to add?
