My sense of self
and self-esteem around sex have been out of control since before I can remember and
have added so much unmanageability and fear to my life around performance, acceptance, and love.
I thought that learning
I'm autistic might help me to untangle pre-identification perceptions of myself
regarding sex, but starting on that path is incredibly daunting.
Step 3 is what I'm
struggling with right now: making a decision to initiate a process of letting
go of some of my perceptions of sex and my self-image. The conviction that it's
my duty to be sexually attractive and wanted is such a core part of how I see
self-worth that it blocks out my ability to think clearly. The idea of letting
go of that feels like an existentially threatening issue: I can't even start to
imagine who I'd be without it.
In fact, it's hard
to start making a preliminary exploration of my sense of self and self-esteem
around sex because the issue is so fraught and deep-rooted.
At least I can
share with you that my sense of self and self-esteem around this issue is more
or less totally warped.
I can't imagine any
part of my life where I've received such intense and sustained social messaging
as around sex, and the idea of taking that on leaves me reeling.
My individual needs
and self-care around sex were disregarded by me long before I actually had sex. I took on the mental orientation that I need to perform, provide pleasure,
and make other people feel good about their performance. If anything, I see my
needs and self-care as a liability to be minimized however possible.
Similarly, I can't
even start to imagine having personal values around sex. I'm still fully
steeped in society's attitudes. Departing from those feels like a huge risk.
In terms of
relationships with other individuals and communities, the way I think about and
behave around sex is a deeply entrenched form of masking. Pressures around
gender and sexuality are so intense in society that I suspect I'd be masking in
similar ways around sex even if I wasn't autistic. But the fact that I am
autistic makes the social dimension of sex even less manageable for me.
I'm fully committed
to the Step 10 decision to align my life, relationships, and habits to what
feels healthy, sustainable, and manageable for me. The particulars of that when
it comes to sex feel very far away, though, and I'm so protective of this part
of myself that I'm not sure I'm open yet to adjustments in my sense of self and
self-esteem around this issue. I'm here hoping this meeting will help me find a
new way to engage with the topic.
What about you? How
does sex influence your sense of self and self-esteem?
Share questions:
- How
does sex influence your sense of self and self-esteem?
- How does sex relate to
your individual needs and self-care?
- To your personal values?
- To your relationships
with other individuals and groups?
- Does knowing you're autistic change anything about how sex intersects with your self-esteem and sense of self? Please describe.
- Any tools, resources, or strategies to share?
Anything else to add?
