How do I feel about myself when I'm away from home on vacation? It's a mixed experience, with some positives for my self-image and self-esteem, and some challenges.

The challenges are many. On a processing level, I have difficulty with sensory stimuli outside my norm, like dense traffic, airport noises, or hearing other people through the walls at the hotel. Different foods, smells, and textures (like the bed at a hotel) give me things to grapple with on a moment-by-moment basis that I don't have to think about as much at home. These sensory experiences put me back in contact with some of the most basic challenges of my life in a way that can impact my confidence. Uh-oh, I think. Do all the positive changes I've made at home mean nothing when I'm outside that environment? Am I actually less resilient than I normally see myself? Maybe I'm just deluding myself that I've made any progress at all. My self-image can spiral.

The change of routine/lack of routine can also be difficult, with the open space of the day stretching out before me. I worry I'm a bad person for not doing the things that I'm usually responsible for, like work. The unpredictability of the unscheduled time makes me stressed, then mad at myself for being stressed ("You're an adult, just handle it!") Plus, even in non-vacation life, I get stuck on "waiting mode" if there's something I need to do later, like an appointment or bus to catch. "Waiting mode" gets increased on vacation when whatever I'm waiting for is new to me, and my routine isn't there to provide a counterbalance. That can make me frustrated with myself when I feel I'm supposed to be "actively vacationing" and relaxing rather than hanging around in "waiting mode"! Healthy modes of coping with uncertainty I use at home might not be there, and I might resort to older, less healthy modes (for me, overeating). I might start berating myself of "lack of self-control" or feel bad about myself for other reasons.

The social mechanics of vacation can be a challenge. At this time in my life, I'm still figuring out what I "can" and "can't" do if I want to avoid pain and meltdowns/shutdowns, a process that can lead to social complications even at home. The difficulties are more pronounced on vacation, and I fear that if I let other people see my inner discomfort, there will be unmanageable social friction.  I'm at risk of slipping back into full masking mode as I try to cope with all the changes, multiple unfamiliar steps, and more while trying to appear like I'm enjoying myself. All of these challenges to my self-image reduce my self-esteem, not just during, but also after the vacation.

At the same time, there are delightful sides of vacation. Taking a break from work is a relief overall and allows me to remember my life is more than just my job. My family members are more relaxed and happy, and I feel good about myself that who I am and what I do make that possible for them. Plus, I'm holotropic and love nature, so going to places where there's more nature, or nature that's new to me, can give me autistic joy. These and other benefits to my self-image improve my self-esteem during and after the vacation.

What about you? How are your self-image and self-esteem influenced by going on vacation?

Share questions:

• What are some parts of vacation that challenge your sense of self? Self-esteem? 
• Do you find yourself masking more on vacation? Why, and what is it like?
• What are some parts of vacation that enhance your sense of self? Self-esteem?  
• Does anything about vacation increase your opportunities for autistic joy? 
• Are some kinds of vacation better for your sense of self and self-esteem than others? Please describe. 
• Has the way you understand your experiences of vacation, sense of self, and self-esteem changed since you learned you are autistic? 
• Any tools, resources, or strategies to share regarding vacation? 
• Anything else to add?